Last night I had a dream about my future children. I walked into a bare bones home that was under construction, taking a tour to see how everything was coming along. It was basically a shell of a house with nothing but walls up, not even sheet rock. I walked the staircase that was plywood and standing at the top of the stairs were two little ones -a boy and a girl- about a year old wearing nothing but diapers. They had dark blue eyes that seemed to be filled with other worldly wisdom. I picked up each one of them and hugged them, totally amazed that I could touch and see them after waiting so long to do so. “You’re mine? You’re really mine?” I said. I couldn’t believe it! Then I put them down and watched them run around the entire house.
When I woke up, my words and amazement were still with me. I’ve had a million dreams about having babies and being awe struck. But I looked at this one a little differently, in that it was telling me what my heart really wants. I’ve had too many in the past like it to keep pushing it deep down within myself. Sadly, for me and all those who are waiting on us to have kids, unless it happens by accident we wont be having kids for at least another year or two.
There are people who know they can’t physically have kids, trying IVF in hopes of conceiving or go the adoption route. There are people who struggle with multiple miscarriages. Only a part of me can relate to these people – the longing to have their own children. The other half, the physical part of it all, is to be determined since we haven’t had the luxury of actually “trying to conceive”.
Saying that you’re trying to conceive is a luxury. It’s a thermometer that reassures yourself and those who you choose to tell, that you seemingly have things in order to receive this bundle of joy. Including the financials. That’s where we’re stuck at – the money part. That’s why I’m 29 years old, married for almost five years in February, have had baby fever ever since I could remember, and still not a mother. At least on purpose.
A wee baby me
I feel like I was born to be a mom and guide little lives that I’ve created with my husband. A few people don’t quite understand being stuck somewhere in the middle of not quite able to have a baby yet because you can’t afford to. I’ve heard that if you wait until you finally have the money, you’ll never have kids. I’ve heard that it all comes together once it finally happens and you make it work. As comforting as that is, I highly doubt they were living in their parents basement for years. There have even been family members who I’ve caught telling people early on in our marriage that we weren’t ready to have kids, they hope we don’t have them (at that moment in time), and telling me “don’t even think about it”, since they knew our financial situation. That’s heartbreaking and completely discouraging, regardless of what’s going on (there, I said it). All the while, my heart was screaming “but I want to be a mom! And you don’t need to tell me that it’s not time yet! I already know! And how is it up to you to decide when the right time is? Are you God?” Those comments have left me feeling like a lowly creature of life who is undeserving of having children (the reason why I’ve kept these feelings close to me), even if they were trying to “protect” us in their own way by saying those things.
I feel like for most people, having kids happens by accident. I really like to plan things out, although nearly any of my life plans have worked out so far. I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels like they’re swimming against the current sometimes (or most of the time). So, knowing that yes, our bills are always paid on time, plus a little wiggle room for the occasional fun thing and/or hobbies (just so we feel like we are living life in some form), but also living in my in-laws basement and not being able to truly feel like we’re living life the way we want and live on our own (though we are trying to save and pay down certain bills), kids are out of the question. We live in a very expensive area, and if you don’t have a specific type of job here, you just wont make it. Hopefully we’ll be moving out of the area next year to a place where we will hopefully thrive and have a better quality of life (again, a life plan that may or may not work, but I’m putting my mind to it!).
As much as I want to be a mom, I also can’t help but want to be responsible first, at least to the best of our ability. For all I know, I’ll publish this post and it accidentally happens in the early part of next year. That wouldn’t be my plan (especially since we haven’t moved out of the parents basement yet. I’m sure I’d feel like I was on an episode of Sixteen and Pregnant. Who wants to have a kid on purpose living in their in-laws basement and what in-laws would be absolutely okay with that? There, I said it), but deep within me, I do believe in divine timing, which is the only comfort and reassurance I get when I see my peers post their pregnancy announcements. It’s not our time yet. Financially or by divine timing. But I know when it does happen – or if, because I do get scared that I’ll wait too long or when we’re ready, biological problems will arise – it will be one hell of a sweet adventure. And I cannot wait for when the time is right. We’re good people with good hearts who have a lot of love to give.
I’m posting this because I often see stories of miscarriages and those who are having difficulty getting pregnant. Like I said earlier, I can understand the part of their story that has them longing for a child of their own. But there are those of us who are really trying hard to be responsible, feel like we’re stuck in the middle somewhere, who don’t really have a voice. I personally don’t know anyone or read about people in my situation. So, I’m putting my story out there, totally opening myself up to criticism and whatever else that may come along with posting this. And also, for once, I wanted to get totally real on my blog. Not to mention publicly honoring this yearning inside of me.
There you have it.
Also, there are people my age who are longing for a spouse. I’m grateful and aware that I already have one piece to the puzzle. I also have to remember that age is relative, somewhat, when it comes to having kids. Although, I can’t help but ever so faintly hear that silly biological clock in the distance begin to tick.